1 00:00:01,878 --> 00:00:03,676 Ready, march! 2 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,912 [DRUMROLL] 3 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:19,959 Eyes… right! 4 00:00:26,561 --> 00:00:28,234 Eyes right! 5 00:00:37,762 --> 00:00:39,116 [DING] 6 00:00:44,643 --> 00:00:46,634 [PHONOGRAPH PLAYING] 7 00:00:55,084 --> 00:00:57,075 [SCRAPING NOISE] 8 00:01:00,044 --> 00:01:03,040 Baldrick, what are you doing out there? 9 00:01:03,124 --> 00:01:05,275 I'm carving something on this bullet, sir. 10 00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:06,958 What are you carving? 11 00:01:07,045 --> 00:01:09,958 I'm carving "Baldrick," sir. 12 00:01:10,045 --> 00:01:10,955 Why? 13 00:01:11,045 --> 00:01:12,681 It's a cunning plan, actually. 14 00:01:12,765 --> 00:01:14,162 Of course it is. 15 00:01:14,246 --> 00:01:15,642 You see, you know they say 16 00:01:15,726 --> 00:01:19,242 that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it? 17 00:01:19,326 --> 00:01:21,158 Yes? 18 00:01:21,246 --> 00:01:24,842 Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, 19 00:01:24,927 --> 00:01:29,319 I'd never get hit by it, 'cos I won't ever shoot myself. 20 00:01:29,407 --> 00:01:30,841 Oh, shame. 21 00:01:30,927 --> 00:01:34,159 And the chances of there being two bullets 22 00:01:34,248 --> 00:01:37,284 with my name on them are very small indeed. 23 00:01:37,368 --> 00:01:41,644 That's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed." 24 00:01:41,728 --> 00:01:45,165 Your brain, for example, Is so minute, Baldrick, 25 00:01:45,249 --> 00:01:47,684 that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, 26 00:01:47,769 --> 00:01:51,285 there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit. 27 00:01:53,290 --> 00:01:56,282 Tally-ho, pip-pip, and Bernard's your uncle. 28 00:01:56,370 --> 00:01:58,046 In English we say, "good morning." 29 00:01:58,130 --> 00:02:01,166 -Look what I got for you, sir. -What? 30 00:02:01,250 --> 00:02:03,367 It's the latest issue of King and Country. 31 00:02:03,451 --> 00:02:05,247 Oh, damn inspiring stuff! 32 00:02:05,331 --> 00:02:08,447 The magazine that tells the Tommies the truth about the war. 33 00:02:08,531 --> 00:02:10,567 Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction 34 00:02:10,651 --> 00:02:15,123 since vows of fidelity were included In the French marriage service. 35 00:02:15,212 --> 00:02:16,486 Come, come, sir. 36 00:02:16,572 --> 00:02:18,168 Now, you can't deny that this fine newspaper 37 00:02:18,252 --> 00:02:19,608 is good for the morale of the men. 38 00:02:19,692 --> 00:02:20,648 Certainly not, 39 00:02:20,732 --> 00:02:24,886 I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet paper. 40 00:02:24,973 --> 00:02:26,169 I'm not with you at all, sir, 41 00:02:26,253 --> 00:02:29,529 what could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag? 42 00:02:29,613 --> 00:02:32,287 Apart from his bottom? 43 00:02:32,373 --> 00:02:33,850 Well, look at it. 44 00:02:33,934 --> 00:02:38,167 I mean the stuff's about as convincing as Dr. Crippen's defense lawyer. 45 00:02:38,254 --> 00:02:40,290 The British Tommies are all portrayed 46 00:02:40,374 --> 00:02:43,527 as six-foot six with biceps the size of Bournemouth. 47 00:02:43,615 --> 00:02:45,208 Thoroughly inspiring stuff. 48 00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:48,253 And look, sir, this also just arrived for you this morning. 49 00:02:51,255 --> 00:02:53,292 Hmm, do you know what this is, Lieutenant? 50 00:02:53,376 --> 00:02:56,209 -It's a good old service revolver. -Wrong. 51 00:02:56,296 --> 00:02:57,972 It's a brand new service revolver, 52 00:02:58,056 --> 00:03:01,447 which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it. 53 00:03:01,536 --> 00:03:03,448 I smell something fishy, 54 00:03:03,537 --> 00:03:06,837 and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble. 55 00:03:09,297 --> 00:03:11,253 That's funny, sir, because we didn't order 56 00:03:11,337 --> 00:03:13,374 those new trench-climbing ladders either. 57 00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:15,369 -New ladders? -Yeah, came yesterday. 58 00:03:15,458 --> 00:03:18,174 I issued them to the men, and they were absolutely thrilled. 59 00:03:18,258 --> 00:03:19,214 Isn't that right men? 60 00:03:19,298 --> 00:03:20,447 Yes, sir, 61 00:03:20,538 --> 00:03:23,175 First solid fuel we've had since we burned the cats. 62 00:03:23,259 --> 00:03:25,728 Something's going on, 63 00:03:25,819 --> 00:03:28,615 and I think I can make an educated guess what it is. 64 00:03:28,699 --> 00:03:30,975 Something which you, George, would find hard to do. 65 00:03:31,059 --> 00:03:32,616 Ah, true, true. 66 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,214 Where I was at school, education could go hang 67 00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:38,256 as long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud, 68 00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:40,856 and take a hot crumpet from behind without blubbing. 69 00:03:40,940 --> 00:03:44,253 I, on the other hand, am a fully-rounded human being 70 00:03:44,341 --> 00:03:46,617 with a degree from the University of Life, 71 00:03:46,701 --> 00:03:48,772 a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, 72 00:03:48,861 --> 00:03:52,856 and three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out of Me. 73 00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:55,855 And my instincts lead me to deduce 74 00:03:55,942 --> 00:03:59,173 that we are at last about to go over the top. 75 00:03:59,262 --> 00:04:01,058 Great Scott, sir, you mean… 76 00:04:01,142 --> 00:04:03,139 You mean the moment's finally arrived for us 77 00:04:03,223 --> 00:04:05,939 to give Harry Hun a darned good British-style thrashing, 78 00:04:06,023 --> 00:04:07,419 six of the best, trousers down? 79 00:04:07,503 --> 00:04:11,179 If you mean are we all going to get killed, yes. 80 00:04:11,264 --> 00:04:13,980 Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make 81 00:04:14,064 --> 00:04:15,220 yet another gargantuan effort 82 00:04:15,304 --> 00:04:18,500 to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin. 83 00:04:18,584 --> 00:04:19,779 Right! 84 00:04:19,864 --> 00:04:21,060 Bravo-issimo! 85 00:04:21,145 --> 00:04:23,136 Well let's make a start, eh? 86 00:04:23,225 --> 00:04:25,621 Up and over to glory, last one in Berlin's a rotten egg. 87 00:04:25,705 --> 00:04:27,537 Give me your helmet, Lieutenant. 88 00:04:30,265 --> 00:04:31,779 [MACHINE-GUN FIRE] 89 00:04:38,066 --> 00:04:42,106 Yes, some sort of clever hat camouflage might be in order. 90 00:04:43,907 --> 00:04:45,063 Permission to speak, sir. 91 00:04:45,147 --> 00:04:48,777 Granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread. 92 00:04:48,867 --> 00:04:52,179 I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed, sir. 93 00:04:52,268 --> 00:04:54,179 -Ah, yes, what is it? -Cooking. 94 00:04:54,268 --> 00:04:55,622 I see. 95 00:04:55,708 --> 00:05:00,305 You know staff HQ is always on the lookout for good cooks? 96 00:05:00,389 --> 00:05:02,903 Well, we go over there, we cook 'em something, 97 00:05:02,989 --> 00:05:05,060 And we get out of the trenches that way. 98 00:05:05,149 --> 00:05:07,823 -Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan. -Is it? 99 00:05:07,909 --> 00:05:08,905 Yes, it's superb. 100 00:05:08,989 --> 00:05:11,345 Permission to write home immediately, sir! 101 00:05:11,430 --> 00:05:14,263 This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had! 102 00:05:14,350 --> 00:05:16,023 For centuries we've tried, 103 00:05:16,110 --> 00:05:19,705 and they've always turned out to be total pig swill. 104 00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:22,427 My mother will be as pleased as punch. 105 00:05:22,511 --> 00:05:26,467 Hmm, if only she were as good-looking as punch, Baldrick. 106 00:05:26,551 --> 00:05:28,940 There is, however, one slight flaw in the plan. 107 00:05:29,031 --> 00:05:29,988 Oh? 108 00:05:30,072 --> 00:05:32,527 You're the worst cook in the entire world. 109 00:05:32,611 --> 00:05:34,028 Oh, yeah, that's right. 110 00:05:34,112 --> 00:05:38,468 There are amoeba on Saturn who could boil a better egg than you. 111 00:05:38,552 --> 00:05:43,263 Your filet mignons in sauce béarnaise look like dog turds in glue. 112 00:05:44,353 --> 00:05:46,309 That's because they are. 113 00:05:46,393 --> 00:05:48,189 Your plum duff tastes like 114 00:05:48,273 --> 00:05:51,187 it's a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings. 115 00:05:51,274 --> 00:05:52,670 I thought you wouldn't notice. 116 00:05:52,754 --> 00:05:56,827 And your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit. 117 00:05:56,914 --> 00:05:58,666 Again, it's… 118 00:05:58,754 --> 00:06:02,066 If you were to serve one of your meals in staff HQ, 119 00:06:02,155 --> 00:06:04,151 you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning 120 00:06:04,235 --> 00:06:08,069 since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends around 121 00:06:08,155 --> 00:06:10,306 for a wine and anthrax party. 122 00:06:10,396 --> 00:06:13,592 No, we'll have to think of a better plan than that. 123 00:06:13,676 --> 00:06:17,192 Right, how about a nice meal, while you chew it over? 124 00:06:17,276 --> 00:06:18,789 What's on the menu? 125 00:06:18,876 --> 00:06:20,550 Rat. 126 00:06:20,637 --> 00:06:22,389 Sauté or fricassee? 127 00:06:22,477 --> 00:06:26,550 Oh, the agony of choice. 128 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:27,832 Sautéed involves… 129 00:06:27,917 --> 00:06:30,194 Well, you take the freshly shaved rat, 130 00:06:30,278 --> 00:06:33,191 and you marinade it in a puddle for a while. 131 00:06:33,278 --> 00:06:35,189 Mm-hmm, for how long? 132 00:06:35,278 --> 00:06:37,189 Till it's drowned. 133 00:06:37,278 --> 00:06:40,032 Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb, 134 00:06:40,119 --> 00:06:42,555 then you get within dashing distance of the latrine, 135 00:06:42,639 --> 00:06:44,710 and you scoff it right down. 136 00:06:44,799 --> 00:06:47,515 So that's sautéing. And fricasseeing? 137 00:06:47,599 --> 00:06:51,389 Exactly the same, just a slightly bigger rat. 138 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,196 Well, call me old Mr. Unadventurous, 139 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,669 but I think I'll give it a miss this once. 140 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:57,756 Fair enough, sir. 141 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,357 -More for the rest of us. Eh, sir? -Absolutely, Private. 142 00:07:00,441 --> 00:07:02,317 Tally-ho, barf barf! 143 00:07:02,401 --> 00:07:03,436 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 144 00:07:04,481 --> 00:07:06,040 Hello, the Savoy Grill. 145 00:07:08,281 --> 00:07:12,714 Oh, it's you… Yes… Yes, I'll be over in 40 minutes. 146 00:07:12,802 --> 00:07:14,076 Who was it then, sir? 147 00:07:14,162 --> 00:07:18,196 Strangely enough, Baldrick, it was Pope Gregory IX, 148 00:07:18,283 --> 00:07:21,992 inviting me for drinks aboard his steam yacht the Saucy Sue, 149 00:07:22,083 --> 00:07:24,039 currently wintering in Montego Bay 150 00:07:24,123 --> 00:07:25,599 with the England cricket team 151 00:07:25,683 --> 00:07:27,674 and the Balinese Goddess of Plenty. 152 00:07:27,763 --> 00:07:31,200 -Really? -No, not really. 153 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,840 I've been ordered to HQ. 154 00:07:32,924 --> 00:07:35,200 No doubt that idiot General Melchett 155 00:07:35,284 --> 00:07:38,198 is about to offer me some attractive new opportunities 156 00:07:38,285 --> 00:07:41,038 to have my brains blown out for Britain. 157 00:07:48,566 --> 00:07:50,239 What do you want, Darling? 158 00:07:53,326 --> 00:07:55,920 It's "Captain Darling" to you. 159 00:07:56,006 --> 00:07:57,242 General Melchett wants to see you 160 00:07:57,326 --> 00:07:59,083 about a highly important secret mission. 161 00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:02,363 -What's going on, Darling? -Captain Blackadder to see you, sir. 162 00:08:02,447 --> 00:08:04,199 Ah, excellent. 163 00:08:04,287 --> 00:08:07,120 Just a short back and sides today, I think, please. 164 00:08:07,207 --> 00:08:09,677 Uh, that's Corporal Black, sir. 165 00:08:09,768 --> 00:08:11,764 Captain Blackadder is here about the other matter, sir, 166 00:08:11,848 --> 00:08:13,043 the secret matter. 167 00:08:13,128 --> 00:08:16,723 Ah, yes, the special mission. At ease, Blackadder. 168 00:08:16,808 --> 00:08:22,043 Now, what I'm about to tell you is absolutely tip-top-secret. 169 00:08:22,129 --> 00:08:24,405 -Is that clear? -It is, sir. 170 00:08:24,489 --> 00:08:27,206 Now, I've compiled a list of those with security clearance. 171 00:08:27,290 --> 00:08:29,645 -Have you got it Darling? -Yes, sir. 172 00:08:29,730 --> 00:08:30,686 Read it, please. 173 00:08:30,770 --> 00:08:32,204 It's top security, sir, 174 00:08:32,290 --> 00:08:33,886 I think that's all the captain needs to know. 175 00:08:33,970 --> 00:08:36,086 Nonsense! Let's hear the list in full! 176 00:08:36,170 --> 00:08:37,967 Very well, sir. 177 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,725 "List of personnel cleared for Mission Gainsborough, 178 00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:43,847 "as dictated by General C.H. Melchett." 179 00:08:43,931 --> 00:08:46,728 "You and me, Darling, obviously." 180 00:08:46,812 --> 00:08:49,528 "Field Marshal Haig, Field Marshal Haig's wife," 181 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:51,842 "all Field Marshal Haig's wife's friends," 182 00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:54,208 "their families, their families' servants," 183 00:08:54,292 --> 00:08:56,488 "their families' servants' tennis partners," 184 00:08:56,572 --> 00:08:58,086 "and some chap I bumped into" 185 00:08:58,173 --> 00:09:00,209 in the mess the other day called Bernard." 186 00:09:00,293 --> 00:09:04,249 So, it's maximum security, is that clear? 187 00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:05,767 Quite clear, sir. 188 00:09:05,853 --> 00:09:08,930 Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking world is to know. 189 00:09:09,014 --> 00:09:10,049 Good man. 190 00:09:10,134 --> 00:09:12,205 Now, Field Marshal Haig 191 00:09:12,294 --> 00:09:15,330 has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan 192 00:09:15,414 --> 00:09:18,691 to ensure final victory in the field. 193 00:09:18,775 --> 00:09:21,411 Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us 194 00:09:21,495 --> 00:09:23,051 climbing out of our trenches 195 00:09:23,135 --> 00:09:25,809 and walking very slowly towards the enemy, sir? 196 00:09:25,895 --> 00:09:27,572 How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? 197 00:09:27,656 --> 00:09:29,090 It's classified information. 198 00:09:29,176 --> 00:09:31,929 It's the same plan that we used last time, 199 00:09:32,016 --> 00:09:34,652 and the seventeen times before that. 200 00:09:34,736 --> 00:09:37,206 Ex… Ex… Exactly! 201 00:09:37,297 --> 00:09:39,971 And that is what is so brilliant about it! 202 00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:43,209 It will catch the watchful Hun totally off-guard! 203 00:09:43,297 --> 00:09:46,174 Doing precisely what we have done eighteen times before 204 00:09:46,258 --> 00:09:49,250 is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! 205 00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:52,774 There is, however, one small problem. 206 00:09:52,858 --> 00:09:56,215 That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds. 207 00:09:56,299 --> 00:09:57,132 That's right! 208 00:09:57,219 --> 00:09:59,015 And Field Marshal Haig is worried 209 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,454 that this may be depressing the men a tadge. 210 00:10:01,539 --> 00:10:04,815 So he's looking to find a way to cheer them up. 211 00:10:04,899 --> 00:10:08,734 Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious solution. 212 00:10:08,820 --> 00:10:11,136 Interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling. 213 00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:12,893 Take a look at this… 214 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:16,212 I'm sure you know it… King and Country. 215 00:10:16,301 --> 00:10:19,657 Ah, yes, without question my favorite magazine… 216 00:10:19,741 --> 00:10:23,052 Soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent. 217 00:10:23,141 --> 00:10:24,973 Top-hole, Blackadder, 218 00:10:25,061 --> 00:10:27,497 I thought it would be right up your alley. 219 00:10:30,982 --> 00:10:33,656 Field Marshal Haig's plan is this: 220 00:10:33,742 --> 00:10:38,019 To commission a man to do an especially stirring painting 221 00:10:38,103 --> 00:10:39,819 for the cover of the next issue, 222 00:10:39,903 --> 00:10:42,736 so as to really inspire the men for the final push. 223 00:10:42,823 --> 00:10:46,454 What I want you to do, Blackadder, is to labor night and day 224 00:10:46,544 --> 00:10:49,775 to find a first-rate artist from amongst your men. 225 00:10:49,864 --> 00:10:50,820 Impossible, sir. 226 00:10:50,904 --> 00:10:52,060 I know from long experience 227 00:10:52,144 --> 00:10:54,215 that my men have all the artistic talent 228 00:10:54,304 --> 00:10:59,264 of a cluster of color-blind hedgehogs in a bag. 229 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,776 Hmm, well that's a bit of a blow. 230 00:11:02,865 --> 00:11:05,222 We needed a man to leave the trenches immediately. 231 00:11:05,306 --> 00:11:07,342 -Leave the trenches? -Mm-hmm. 232 00:11:07,426 --> 00:11:09,417 Yes, I wonder if you've enjoyed, 233 00:11:09,506 --> 00:11:11,816 as I have sir, that marvelous painting 234 00:11:11,906 --> 00:11:15,218 in the national portrait gallery, Bag Interior, 235 00:11:15,307 --> 00:11:18,379 by the color-blind hedgehog workshop of Sienna. 236 00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:21,858 I'm sorry, are you saying you can find this man? 237 00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:23,903 I think I can. 238 00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:26,344 And might I suggest, sir, that, having left the trenches, 239 00:11:26,428 --> 00:11:30,217 it might be a good idea to post our man to Paris 240 00:11:30,308 --> 00:11:32,464 in order to soak up a little of the artistic atmosphere… 241 00:11:32,548 --> 00:11:34,699 Perhaps even Tahiti… 242 00:11:34,789 --> 00:11:37,781 So as to produce a real masterpiece. 243 00:11:37,869 --> 00:11:39,780 Yes, yes, but can you find the man?! 244 00:11:39,869 --> 00:11:42,224 Now, I know I can, sir. 245 00:11:42,309 --> 00:11:43,982 Before you can say "Sunflowers," 246 00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:46,370 I'll have Vincent Van Gogh standing before you. 247 00:11:52,350 --> 00:11:53,465 No, don't stop, sir. 248 00:11:53,550 --> 00:11:55,147 It's coming, it's definitely coming. 249 00:11:55,231 --> 00:11:56,630 I, hmm, yeah, uh, hm. 250 00:11:59,191 --> 00:12:02,263 I just wonder whether two socks and a hand grenade 251 00:12:02,351 --> 00:12:03,748 is really the sort of thing 252 00:12:03,832 --> 00:12:05,868 that covers of King and Country are made of. 253 00:12:05,952 --> 00:12:09,068 They will be when I've painted them being shoved up the Kaiser's backside. 254 00:12:09,152 --> 00:12:13,225 -Ah, now, now, this is interesting. -What is? 255 00:12:13,312 --> 00:12:16,229 Well, Private Baldrick is obviously a bit of an Impressionist. 256 00:12:16,313 --> 00:12:20,349 The only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent. 257 00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:21,829 What's it called, Baldrick? 258 00:12:21,913 --> 00:12:23,312 The Vomiting Cavalier? 259 00:12:24,554 --> 00:12:27,228 No, sir, that's not supposed to be vomit. 260 00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:30,784 -It's dabs of light. -No, it's vomit. 261 00:12:30,874 --> 00:12:34,789 -Yes, so, why did you choose that? -You told me to, sir. 262 00:12:34,875 --> 00:12:36,070 Did I? 263 00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:38,471 Yeah, you told me to paint whatever comes from within, 264 00:12:38,555 --> 00:12:41,229 so I did my breakfast. 265 00:12:41,315 --> 00:12:44,229 Look, there's a little tomato. 266 00:12:44,316 --> 00:12:45,312 Hopeless. 267 00:12:45,396 --> 00:12:47,592 If only I'd paid attention in nursery art class 268 00:12:47,676 --> 00:12:49,272 instead of spending my entire time 269 00:12:49,356 --> 00:12:53,873 manufacturing papier mâché Willies to frighten Sarah Wallis. 270 00:12:53,957 --> 00:12:54,873 You know, it's funny, 271 00:12:54,957 --> 00:12:57,393 but painting was the only thing I was ever any good at. 272 00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,233 Well, it's a pity you didn't keep it up. 273 00:12:59,317 --> 00:13:01,513 Well, as a matter of fact, I did, actually. 274 00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:04,514 I mean… I mean normally I wouldn't show them to anyone, 275 00:13:04,598 --> 00:13:06,394 'cos they're just embarrassing daubs really, 276 00:13:06,478 --> 00:13:09,152 but you know, ah, they give me pleasure. 277 00:13:09,238 --> 00:13:11,394 I'm embarrassed to show them to you now as it happens, 278 00:13:11,478 --> 00:13:13,834 but there you go, for what they're worth. 279 00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:17,389 To be honest, I should have my hands cut off, I mean… 280 00:13:17,479 --> 00:13:18,435 George! These are brilliant! 281 00:13:18,519 --> 00:13:20,829 Why didn't you tell us about these before? 282 00:13:20,919 --> 00:13:21,915 Well, you know, 283 00:13:21,999 --> 00:13:24,230 one doesn't want to blow one's own trumpet. 284 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,756 You might at least have told us you had a trumpet. 285 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,796 These paintings could spell my way out of the trenches. 286 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,109 Yours? 287 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,397 That's right, ours. 288 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,357 All we have to do is paint something heroic 289 00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,796 to appeal to the simple-minded Tommy. 290 00:13:39,881 --> 00:13:41,597 Over to you, Baldrick. 291 00:13:41,681 --> 00:13:45,835 Um, how about a noble Tommy, standing, 292 00:13:45,922 --> 00:13:47,878 with a look of horror and disgust, 293 00:13:47,962 --> 00:13:50,272 over the body of a murdered nun, 294 00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:54,239 what's been brutally done over by a nasty old German. 295 00:13:54,323 --> 00:13:55,233 Excellent. 296 00:13:55,323 --> 00:13:58,519 I… I can see it now: The Nun and the Hun. 297 00:13:58,603 --> 00:13:59,798 Brilliant! 298 00:13:59,883 --> 00:14:01,032 No time to lose. 299 00:14:01,123 --> 00:14:04,000 George, set up your easel, Baldrick and I will pose. 300 00:14:04,084 --> 00:14:06,080 This is going to be art's greatest moment 301 00:14:06,164 --> 00:14:08,838 since Mona Lisa sat down and told Leonardo da Vinci 302 00:14:08,924 --> 00:14:11,677 she was in a slightly odd mood. 303 00:14:11,765 --> 00:14:13,761 Baldrick, you lie down in the mud and be the nun. 304 00:14:13,845 --> 00:14:15,681 I'm not lying down there, it's all wet. 305 00:14:15,765 --> 00:14:16,961 Well, let's put it this way: 306 00:14:17,045 --> 00:14:18,281 Either you lie down and get wet, 307 00:14:18,365 --> 00:14:21,241 or you're knocked down and get a broken nose. 308 00:14:21,325 --> 00:14:23,042 Actually it's not that wet, is it? 309 00:14:23,126 --> 00:14:24,002 No. 310 00:14:24,086 --> 00:14:25,485 [SPLAT] 311 00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:28,482 Who are you going to be then, sir? 312 00:14:28,566 --> 00:14:29,761 The noble Tommy? 313 00:14:29,846 --> 00:14:32,323 Precisely, standing over the body of the ravaged nun. 314 00:14:32,407 --> 00:14:33,636 I want a wimple. 315 00:14:33,727 --> 00:14:35,883 You should have gone before we started the picture. 316 00:14:35,967 --> 00:14:39,765 You know, the funny thing is, my father was a nun. 317 00:14:41,568 --> 00:14:42,717 No, he wasn't. 318 00:14:42,808 --> 00:14:44,364 He was so, sir. 319 00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:46,758 I know, 'cos whenever he was up in court, 320 00:14:46,848 --> 00:14:48,919 and the judge used to say, "Occupation?" 321 00:14:49,008 --> 00:14:51,239 He'd say, "None." 322 00:14:54,529 --> 00:14:55,485 Right. You're ready? 323 00:14:55,569 --> 00:14:56,843 Just about sir, yes. 324 00:14:56,929 --> 00:15:01,561 Um, if you just like to pop your clothes on the stool. 325 00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:03,126 I'm sorry? 326 00:15:03,210 --> 00:15:05,246 Just pop your clothes on the stool over there. 327 00:15:05,330 --> 00:15:09,324 You mean, you want me… "tackle out"? 328 00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:12,967 Well, I would prefer so, sir, yes. 329 00:15:13,051 --> 00:15:15,884 If I can remind you of the realities of battle, George, 330 00:15:15,971 --> 00:15:17,847 one of the first things that everyone notices 331 00:15:17,931 --> 00:15:20,808 Is that all the protagonists have got their clothes on. 332 00:15:20,892 --> 00:15:22,246 Neither we nor the Hun 333 00:15:22,332 --> 00:15:24,448 favor fighting our battles au naturel. 334 00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:27,488 Sir, it's artistic license. 335 00:15:27,572 --> 00:15:30,246 It's willing suspension of disbelief. 336 00:15:30,332 --> 00:15:32,249 Well, I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief 337 00:15:32,333 --> 00:15:34,529 at my Willie suspension! 338 00:15:34,613 --> 00:15:37,969 Now, get on and paint the bloody thing… sharpish! 339 00:15:42,134 --> 00:15:45,090 Brilliant, George, it's a masterpiece. 340 00:15:45,174 --> 00:15:46,926 The wimple suits you, Baldrick. 341 00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,050 But it completely covers my face. 342 00:15:49,134 --> 00:15:50,569 Exactly. 343 00:15:50,655 --> 00:15:53,568 Now, then, General Melchett will be here at any moment. 344 00:15:53,655 --> 00:15:55,691 When he arrives, leave the talking to me, all right? 345 00:15:55,775 --> 00:15:57,651 I like to keep an informal trench, 346 00:15:57,735 --> 00:16:00,532 as you know, but today you must only speak 347 00:16:00,616 --> 00:16:03,415 with my express permission, Is that clear? 348 00:16:04,576 --> 00:16:05,725 Is that clear? 349 00:16:07,016 --> 00:16:08,972 Permission to speak. 350 00:16:09,056 --> 00:16:10,613 [TOGETHER] Yes, sir, absolutely. 351 00:16:10,697 --> 00:16:11,926 Attention! 352 00:16:13,617 --> 00:16:15,972 Dugout, attention! 353 00:16:18,417 --> 00:16:20,409 Excellent, at ease. 354 00:16:20,498 --> 00:16:22,734 Now, then, Blackadder, where would you like me to sit? 355 00:16:22,818 --> 00:16:24,774 I thought just a simple trim of the mustache today, 356 00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:25,973 nothing drastic. 357 00:16:26,058 --> 00:16:28,254 We're here about the painting, sir. 358 00:16:28,338 --> 00:16:29,815 Oh, yes, of course. 359 00:16:29,899 --> 00:16:32,209 Good Lord, George! [LAUGHS] 360 00:16:32,299 --> 00:16:34,768 How are you, my boy? 361 00:16:37,019 --> 00:16:38,771 I said how are you? 362 00:16:38,859 --> 00:16:40,256 Permission to speak. 363 00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:41,853 Absolutely top-hole sir, 364 00:16:41,940 --> 00:16:44,250 with a yin and a yang and a yippetty-doo. 365 00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:45,614 Splendid! 366 00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,696 And your Uncle Bertie sends his regards. 367 00:16:47,780 --> 00:16:49,737 I told him you could have a week off in April. 368 00:16:49,821 --> 00:16:51,817 Don't want you missing the boat race, do we? 369 00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:53,255 Permission to speak. 370 00:16:53,341 --> 00:16:54,854 Certainly not. 371 00:16:54,941 --> 00:16:56,697 Permission to sing boisterously, sir? 372 00:16:56,781 --> 00:16:58,177 If you must. 373 00:16:58,261 --> 00:17:00,014 ♪ Row, row, row your punt ♪ 374 00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:01,898 [TOGETHER] ♪ Gently down the stream ♪ 375 00:17:01,982 --> 00:17:05,941 ♪ Belts off, trousers down, isn't life a scream? ♪ 376 00:17:09,823 --> 00:17:11,177 Fabulous. 377 00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:13,819 University education, you can't beat it. 378 00:17:13,903 --> 00:17:17,939 Bravo! Now, what have we here? 379 00:17:18,023 --> 00:17:18,856 Name? 380 00:17:18,944 --> 00:17:20,260 Permission to speak. 381 00:17:20,344 --> 00:17:21,177 Baldrick, sir. 382 00:17:21,344 --> 00:17:25,060 Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip, and zing zang spillip. 383 00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:30,015 Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka? 384 00:17:30,105 --> 00:17:31,300 Permission to speak. 385 00:17:34,185 --> 00:17:35,581 Answer the general, Baldrick. 386 00:17:35,665 --> 00:17:37,099 I can't answer him, sir, 387 00:17:37,185 --> 00:17:39,257 I don't know what he's talking about. 388 00:17:39,346 --> 00:17:43,702 Aah, are you looking forward to the big push? 389 00:17:43,786 --> 00:17:47,062 No, sir, I'm absolutely terrified. 390 00:17:47,146 --> 00:17:51,263 Ah, the healthy humor of the honest Tommy. 391 00:17:51,347 --> 00:17:54,863 [LAUGHS] Don't worry my boy, If you should falter, 392 00:17:54,947 --> 00:17:58,063 remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you. 393 00:17:58,147 --> 00:18:01,903 About thirty-five miles behind you. 394 00:18:01,988 --> 00:18:04,264 Right, well, stand by your beds. 395 00:18:04,348 --> 00:18:06,904 Let's have a look at this artist of yours, Blackadder. 396 00:18:06,988 --> 00:18:09,060 -Next to me, Darling. -Thank you, sir. 397 00:18:09,149 --> 00:18:11,265 So, ah, have you found someone? 398 00:18:11,349 --> 00:18:14,785 Yes, sir, I think I have. None other than young George here. 399 00:18:14,869 --> 00:18:17,019 Oh, bravo! 400 00:18:17,109 --> 00:18:18,266 Well, let's have a shufti then. 401 00:18:18,350 --> 00:18:21,466 It's simply called War. 402 00:18:21,550 --> 00:18:24,383 Damn silly title, George. 403 00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:26,780 Looks more like a couple of socks 404 00:18:26,870 --> 00:18:28,747 and a stick of pineapple to me. 405 00:18:28,831 --> 00:18:30,267 Ah, permission to speak, sir?! 406 00:18:30,351 --> 00:18:33,227 Uh, I think not, actually. 407 00:18:33,311 --> 00:18:35,222 Quite right! 408 00:18:35,311 --> 00:18:36,747 If what happens when you open your mouth 409 00:18:36,831 --> 00:18:38,668 is anything like what happens when you open your paintbox, 410 00:18:38,752 --> 00:18:40,268 we'll all be drenched in phlegm! 411 00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:44,061 Oh, no, this isn't what we're looking for at all, is it, Darling? 412 00:18:44,152 --> 00:18:46,268 -No, sir. -No sir! 413 00:18:46,352 --> 00:18:49,309 There is this, sir. It's Private Baldrick's. 414 00:18:49,393 --> 00:18:52,431 He's called it My Family and Other Animals. 415 00:18:53,513 --> 00:18:55,982 Oh, good Lord, no! 416 00:18:56,073 --> 00:18:59,305 Well, I'm afraid that's about it, sir, 417 00:18:59,394 --> 00:19:02,352 apart from this little thing. 418 00:19:03,354 --> 00:19:05,709 Ah, now that's more like it! 419 00:19:05,794 --> 00:19:07,271 Who painted this, Blackadder? 420 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,991 Well actually, it was me. 421 00:19:09,075 --> 00:19:11,711 Permission to speak really quite urgently, sir! 422 00:19:11,795 --> 00:19:14,389 Damn and blast your goggly eyes, 423 00:19:14,475 --> 00:19:16,705 will you stop interrupting, George?! 424 00:19:16,795 --> 00:19:17,792 This is excellent! 425 00:19:17,876 --> 00:19:21,665 Congratulations, man. It's totally inspiring! 426 00:19:21,756 --> 00:19:24,032 Makes you want to jump over the top 427 00:19:24,116 --> 00:19:26,913 and yell, "Yah-boo, sucks to you, Fritzie!" 428 00:19:26,997 --> 00:19:28,633 Thank you, sir. 429 00:19:28,717 --> 00:19:30,353 Are you sure you did this, Blackadder? 430 00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:31,666 Of course I'm sure. 431 00:19:31,757 --> 00:19:37,434 -I'm afraid I don't believe you. -How dare you, Darling? 432 00:19:37,518 --> 00:19:39,314 General, I can't let that slur pass. 433 00:19:39,398 --> 00:19:42,274 What possible low, suspicious, slanderous reason 434 00:19:42,358 --> 00:19:44,668 could this office boy have 435 00:19:44,758 --> 00:19:46,835 for thinking that I didn't paint the picture? 436 00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,515 Three reasons, as a matter of fact. 437 00:19:48,599 --> 00:19:53,469 -Firstly, you're in it. -It's a self-portrait. 438 00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:55,275 Secondly, you told us you couldn't paint. 439 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:58,273 One doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet. 440 00:19:58,360 --> 00:19:59,873 -Permission… -Denied. 441 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:03,949 And thirdly, it's signed "George." 442 00:20:13,841 --> 00:20:15,514 Well spotted. 443 00:20:15,601 --> 00:20:20,153 But not signed George, dedicated to George. 444 00:20:20,242 --> 00:20:22,278 King George. 445 00:20:22,362 --> 00:20:23,918 Gentlemen, The King. 446 00:20:24,002 --> 00:20:26,916 -ALL: The King! -Where? 447 00:20:27,003 --> 00:20:29,153 Bravo, Blackadder, I have absolutely 448 00:20:29,243 --> 00:20:30,836 no hesitation in appointing you 449 00:20:30,923 --> 00:20:32,639 our official regimental artist. 450 00:20:32,723 --> 00:20:34,873 You're a damn fine chap, 451 00:20:34,963 --> 00:20:38,240 not a pen-pushing, desk-sucking blotter-jotter 452 00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,280 like Darling here. 453 00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:40,274 Eh, Darling? 454 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,240 No sir. 455 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:44,634 Well, accompany us back to HQ immediately. 456 00:20:44,724 --> 00:20:46,124 Ten shun! 457 00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:48,961 Permission to jolly well speak right now, sir, 458 00:20:49,045 --> 00:20:51,281 otherwise I might just burst like a bloody balloon! 459 00:20:51,365 --> 00:20:55,040 Later, George. Much later. 460 00:20:56,246 --> 00:20:59,238 Congratulations on your new appointment, Blackadder. 461 00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:00,396 Thank you, sir. 462 00:21:00,486 --> 00:21:03,082 And may I say, Blackadder, I am particularly pleased about it. 463 00:21:03,166 --> 00:21:04,281 Are you? 464 00:21:04,366 --> 00:21:05,763 Oh, yes. 465 00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:09,363 Now that you are our official war artist, 466 00:21:09,447 --> 00:21:11,083 we can give you the full briefing. 467 00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:12,643 The fact is, Blackadder, 468 00:21:12,727 --> 00:21:14,683 that the King and Country cover story 469 00:21:14,767 --> 00:21:17,044 was just a cover story! 470 00:21:17,128 --> 00:21:20,280 We want you, as our top painting bard, 471 00:21:20,368 --> 00:21:22,923 -to leave the trenches… -Good. 472 00:21:23,008 --> 00:21:24,521 -Tonight -Suits me. 473 00:21:24,608 --> 00:21:26,964 And go out into no-man's-land. 474 00:21:31,009 --> 00:21:33,285 -No-man's-land. -Yes. 475 00:21:33,369 --> 00:21:35,926 -Not Paris. -No. 476 00:21:36,010 --> 00:21:38,046 We want you to come back 477 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,086 with accurate drawings of the enemy positions. 478 00:21:40,170 --> 00:21:43,526 You want me to sit in no-man's-land 479 00:21:43,610 --> 00:21:46,683 painting pictures of the Germans? 480 00:21:46,771 --> 00:21:48,647 Precisely… good man! 481 00:21:48,731 --> 00:21:50,847 Well, it's a very attractive proposition, 482 00:21:50,931 --> 00:21:53,047 but unfortunately, not practical. 483 00:21:53,131 --> 00:21:54,645 You see, my medium is light. 484 00:21:54,732 --> 00:21:56,888 It'll be pitch-dark… I won't be able to see a thing. 485 00:21:56,972 --> 00:21:58,768 Ah… that is a point. 486 00:21:58,852 --> 00:22:01,724 I tell you what… We'll send up a couple of flares. 487 00:22:01,812 --> 00:22:04,407 You'll be lit up like a Christmas tree. 488 00:22:04,493 --> 00:22:06,882 Oh, excellent. Glad I checked. 489 00:22:09,373 --> 00:22:11,523 All right… total and utter quiet. 490 00:22:11,613 --> 00:22:15,050 So, for instance, if any of us crawl over any barbed wire, 491 00:22:15,134 --> 00:22:18,284 they must on no account go… [YELLS] 492 00:22:18,374 --> 00:22:20,843 You just crawled over some barbed wire, sir? 493 00:22:20,934 --> 00:22:22,049 No, Baldrick, 494 00:22:22,134 --> 00:22:24,131 I've just put my elbow in a blob of ice cream. 495 00:22:24,215 --> 00:22:25,131 Well, that's all right. 496 00:22:25,215 --> 00:22:27,286 Now, where the hell are we? 497 00:22:27,375 --> 00:22:29,286 It's a bit difficult to say. 498 00:22:29,375 --> 00:22:31,891 We appeared to have crawled into an area marked with mushrooms. 499 00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:34,252 And what do those symbols denote? 500 00:22:34,336 --> 00:22:36,805 That we're in a field of mushrooms? 501 00:22:36,896 --> 00:22:38,932 That is a military map, 502 00:22:39,016 --> 00:22:42,566 It is unlikely to list interesting flora and fungi. 503 00:22:42,656 --> 00:22:44,967 Look at the key and you'll discover 504 00:22:45,057 --> 00:22:46,813 that those mushrooms aren't for picking. 505 00:22:46,897 --> 00:22:48,853 Good Lord, you're quite right, sir. 506 00:22:48,937 --> 00:22:50,530 It says "mine." 507 00:22:50,617 --> 00:22:52,528 So these mushrooms 508 00:22:52,617 --> 00:22:54,973 must belong to the man who made the map. 509 00:22:58,738 --> 00:23:02,254 Either that, or we're in the middle of a mine field. 510 00:23:02,338 --> 00:23:03,735 Oh, dear. 511 00:23:03,819 --> 00:23:05,455 So he owns the field as well? 512 00:23:05,539 --> 00:23:07,655 [MACHINE-GUN FIRE] 513 00:23:07,739 --> 00:23:11,015 They're firing, sir, they're firing! 514 00:23:11,099 --> 00:23:12,578 Yes, thank you, Lieutenant. 515 00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:17,255 If they hit me, you'll be sure to point it out, won't you? 516 00:23:17,340 --> 00:23:19,736 Get on with your drawing and let's get out of here. 517 00:23:19,820 --> 00:23:21,776 Surely we ought to wait for the flare, sir, 518 00:23:21,860 --> 00:23:23,497 you see, my medium is light… 519 00:23:23,581 --> 00:23:26,617 Just use your imagination, for heaven's sake! 520 00:23:26,701 --> 00:23:28,851 Wait a minute… that's the answer. 521 00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:31,657 I can't believe I've been so stupid! 522 00:23:31,741 --> 00:23:35,058 That is unusual, 'cos usually I'm the stupid one. 523 00:23:35,142 --> 00:23:38,298 Well, I'm not over-furnished In the brain department. 524 00:23:38,382 --> 00:23:41,258 Well, on this occasion, I've been stupidest of all. 525 00:23:41,342 --> 00:23:44,899 Oh, now, sir, I will not have that. 526 00:23:44,983 --> 00:23:48,299 Baldrick and I will always be more stupid than you. 527 00:23:48,383 --> 00:23:49,539 Isn't that right, Baldrick? 528 00:23:49,623 --> 00:23:51,259 Stupid, stupid, stupid! 529 00:23:51,343 --> 00:23:53,574 Yeah… stupidy, stupidy, stupidy! 530 00:23:53,664 --> 00:23:54,938 The stupidest stupids 531 00:23:55,024 --> 00:23:56,580 In the whole history of stupidityness! 532 00:23:56,664 --> 00:23:59,178 [MACHINE-GUN FIRE] 533 00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:04,104 Finished? 534 00:24:05,105 --> 00:24:07,061 I think the obvious point is this… 535 00:24:07,145 --> 00:24:08,621 We'll go straight back to the dugout 536 00:24:08,705 --> 00:24:10,298 and do the painting from there. 537 00:24:10,385 --> 00:24:11,978 You do the most imaginative, 538 00:24:12,065 --> 00:24:14,216 most exciting possible drawing 539 00:24:14,306 --> 00:24:16,342 Of German defenses from your imagination. 540 00:24:16,426 --> 00:24:18,022 I say, now, that is a challenge. 541 00:24:18,106 --> 00:24:20,461 Quite. Come on, let's get out of here. 542 00:24:21,386 --> 00:24:23,183 Oh, sir, just one thing… 543 00:24:23,267 --> 00:24:26,377 If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do? 544 00:24:28,387 --> 00:24:30,298 Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, 545 00:24:30,387 --> 00:24:32,857 is to jump 200 feet into the air 546 00:24:32,948 --> 00:24:36,418 and scatter yourself over a wide area. 547 00:24:38,988 --> 00:24:41,945 Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackadder? 548 00:24:42,029 --> 00:24:43,585 Absolutely. 549 00:24:43,669 --> 00:24:45,385 There may have been a few more armament factories 550 00:24:45,469 --> 00:24:48,105 and not quite as many elephants, 551 00:24:48,189 --> 00:24:49,543 but that's generally it. 552 00:24:51,269 --> 00:24:54,066 Well, you know what this means. 553 00:24:54,150 --> 00:24:56,983 If it's true, sir, we'll have to cancel the push. 554 00:24:57,070 --> 00:24:58,663 Exactly. 555 00:24:58,750 --> 00:25:01,386 -Damn! -What a nuisance. 556 00:25:01,470 --> 00:25:04,463 Exactly what the enemy would expect us to do, 557 00:25:04,551 --> 00:25:07,304 and therefore, exactly what we shan't do! 558 00:25:07,391 --> 00:25:12,026 Ah. Now… If we attack where the line is strongest, 559 00:25:12,112 --> 00:25:13,748 then Fritz will think that our reconnaissance 560 00:25:13,832 --> 00:25:15,186 is a total shambles. 561 00:25:15,272 --> 00:25:18,228 This will lull him into a sense of false security, 562 00:25:18,312 --> 00:25:20,064 and then next week we can attack 563 00:25:20,152 --> 00:25:22,588 where the line is actually badly defended, 564 00:25:22,673 --> 00:25:24,744 and win the greatest victory 565 00:25:24,833 --> 00:25:27,302 since the Winchester flower arranging team 566 00:25:27,393 --> 00:25:30,988 beat Harrow by 12 sore bottoms to one! 567 00:25:32,114 --> 00:25:36,310 Tell me… have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir? 568 00:25:36,394 --> 00:25:40,069 So, best fighting trousers on, Blackadder! 569 00:25:40,154 --> 00:25:41,631 Permission to shout "Bravo" 570 00:25:41,715 --> 00:25:42,951 at an annoyingly loud volume, sir! 571 00:25:43,035 --> 00:25:44,184 Permission granted. 572 00:25:44,275 --> 00:25:45,310 Bravo! 573 00:25:45,395 --> 00:25:47,750 That's the spirit! 574 00:25:47,835 --> 00:25:49,511 Just your kind of caper, eh, Blackadder? 575 00:25:49,595 --> 00:25:50,710 Oh, yes. 576 00:25:50,795 --> 00:25:52,514 Good luck against those elephants. 577 00:25:55,596 --> 00:25:58,912 Get me a chisel and some marble, will you, Baldrick? 578 00:25:58,996 --> 00:26:00,873 Taking up sculpture now, sir? 579 00:26:00,957 --> 00:26:03,631 No, I thought I'd get my headstone done. 580 00:26:03,717 --> 00:26:05,113 What are you gonna put on it? 581 00:26:05,197 --> 00:26:07,233 "Here lies Edmund Blackadder, 582 00:26:07,317 --> 00:26:08,751 and he's bloody annoyed." 583 00:26:10,397 --> 00:26:12,194 We're going over, are we, sir? 584 00:26:12,278 --> 00:26:15,714 Yes, we are, unless I can think of some brilliant plan. 585 00:26:15,798 --> 00:26:19,314 Would you like some rat au vin to help you think? 586 00:26:19,398 --> 00:26:21,195 Rat au vin? 587 00:26:21,279 --> 00:26:25,955 -Yeah, it's rat, and it's been… -BOTH: Run over by a van. 588 00:26:26,039 --> 00:26:27,871 No thank you, Baldrick. 589 00:26:27,959 --> 00:26:31,316 Although it gives me an idea. 590 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:32,754 Telephone, please. 591 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,354 I suppose Blackadder and his boys 592 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,590 will have gone over the top by now, sir. 593 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,516 Yes. God, I wish I was out there with them, 594 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,997 dodging the bullets, instead of having to sit here 595 00:26:42,081 --> 00:26:43,277 drinking this Chateau Lafitte 596 00:26:43,361 --> 00:26:47,797 and eating these filet mignons with sauce béarnaise. 597 00:26:47,881 --> 00:26:49,315 My thoughts exactly, sir. 598 00:26:49,401 --> 00:26:51,393 "Damn this Château Lafite." 599 00:26:51,482 --> 00:26:53,871 He's a very brave man, Blackadder, 600 00:26:53,962 --> 00:26:56,317 and of course that lieutenant of his, George. 601 00:26:56,402 --> 00:26:58,313 Cambridge man, you know. 602 00:26:58,402 --> 00:27:03,159 His uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college. 603 00:27:03,243 --> 00:27:06,634 Slightly unusual taste, this sauce Bearnaise. 604 00:27:06,723 --> 00:27:10,877 Yes, and to be quite frank, these mignons are… 605 00:27:10,964 --> 00:27:14,600 -Are a little… well… -What? 606 00:27:14,684 --> 00:27:16,240 Well, dungy. 607 00:27:16,324 --> 00:27:18,315 What on earth's wrong with our cook? 608 00:27:18,404 --> 00:27:21,318 Well, it's rather strange story, sir. 609 00:27:21,405 --> 00:27:23,157 Oh? Tell, tell. 610 00:27:23,245 --> 00:27:26,317 Well, sir, I received a phone call this afternoon 611 00:27:26,405 --> 00:27:30,522 from Pope Gregory IX telling me that our cook 612 00:27:30,606 --> 00:27:32,842 had been selected for the England cricket team 613 00:27:32,926 --> 00:27:35,482 and must set sail for the West Indies immediately. 614 00:27:35,566 --> 00:27:36,882 Really? 615 00:27:36,966 --> 00:27:39,322 Barely a moment later, the phone rang again. 616 00:27:39,407 --> 00:27:42,160 It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs 617 00:27:42,247 --> 00:27:45,319 who happened to be in the area offering their services. 618 00:27:45,407 --> 00:27:47,643 So I had the quartermaster take them on at once. 619 00:27:47,727 --> 00:27:51,244 Oh? Jumping Jupiter! 620 00:27:51,328 --> 00:27:56,118 Are you sure these are real raisins In this plum duff? 621 00:27:56,208 --> 00:27:59,325 Oh yes, I'm sure they are, sir. 622 00:27:59,409 --> 00:28:01,320 Everything will be all right 623 00:28:01,409 --> 00:28:03,127 once the cream custard arrives. 624 00:28:06,409 --> 00:28:09,004 Jolly good fun, sir, but dash it all, 625 00:28:09,090 --> 00:28:11,081 we appear to have missed the big push! 626 00:28:11,170 --> 00:28:14,003 Oh, damn, so we have. 627 00:28:14,090 --> 00:28:16,726 One thing puzzles me, Baldrick… 628 00:28:16,810 --> 00:28:19,325 How did you manage to get so much custard 629 00:28:19,411 --> 00:28:22,403 out of such a small cat?